Hello everyone, and welcome back to a special post on stadarooni!
As you may notice by the odd title, this post will not have anything to do with storytelling, reviewing, or analyzing. Matter of fact, I’m afraid my compassion for such has dwindled down to a level so low that I do not know why I’m writing this. Regardless, this post will be the first in a string of events where I give you complete wisdom. I have lived many years, and I’m tired of keeping these secrets to myself. I may be bold with such an ambiguously intentioned title that generalizes ‘problems,’ but I have cracked the code.
Before I tell you, some announcements.
As my compassion for everything I knew has vanished, the purpose of this blog will be taking a bright new step towards a more beneficial direction. Tomorrow, I will be ripping out the three major categories and replacing them with the following:
- Progressive Fashion. I believe fashion these days is too narrow in its scope: it’s what appeals to beauty. Artists have twisted this to the point where many of us do not even know what beauty means anymore. However, I am going to change that forever. You heard it here first, folks. I will rewrite fashion and make it a new medium for true art, where a dress can be just as impactful as a romantic comedy. I will make fashion into what it needs to be to appeal to a much broader audience, but I will not forget the big people. Once every year, you can expect the ‘stadarooni fashion show’ where contestants out-beauty each other in a striking story of heartbreak, drama, and insecurity. Make sure you bring popcorn because it will elevate your mind to a whole new level.
- Budget Travel. I will be showcasing the places you cannot miss. Why travel along the coasts of the Mediterranean or go on a safari in northern Kenya? There are better alternatives that will make you appreciate the pleasure of voyaging to a new extreme. The answer is simple: your very home! Why waste money on a trip to Hawaii or Fiji when you can simply dump a heap of dirt into your bathtub, turn on the tap, and close your eyes? The human mind is full of illusions, and you should take advantage of this. If you separate your mind from your body, you can be anywhere. The best part: it’s free! Just imagine lying in a heap of snow, encasing yourself in a tomb of… Nevermind. Dream on.
- Lastly, next-generation poetry. Not poetry you can understand, but words that sound nice together. I think. He said. She said. Instant poetry, because it rhymes. It’s art, and that is objectively true. No need to be bigger and bolder: it’s right there. You can expect these kinds of posts to dominate the blog from here on out, with the above two coming on a weekly basis. Poetry is the heart of human emotion, but I will make you all love it. Just like Twilight, as long as there’s three people and love involved, you will automatically like it. A thousand scientists told me this, so that will be the subject of each poetry post here. 24/7, 365 days a year. If you have any complaints, you would be arguing with mainstream appeal, also known as fact. So please, don’t.
So, you may have forgotten what the question on hand was, and so have I. Instead, here’s a bombshell on myself. I have never revealed my identity, or at least I do not believe I have. What does the name ‘stadarooni’ even signify? Think about it for a few seconds. Stad is the Dutch word for city, and ‘arooni’ is pretty close to pepperoni. Pepper. That’s right, I’m a city girl. My main pastime is kissing boys. All the boys. But let’s not get started on why.
If you’ve made it to the end, congratulations. So, how do you fix your problems? Throughout my long and tiring life, I have finally found the answer. It is in fact right in front of you, and when you find it out you will be overcome with joy. I do not think you will be able to handle it, so beware of any unfortunate consequences that lie ahead.
In order to fix your problems…
You need to find…
April Fools, just in case I have to say it. 🙂