Today, we come to an ‘unexpected’ post on this blog.
Minus some April Fools foolery, most posts on this blog are generally taken seriously to such an extent that something can be gained from it. Lessons in storytelling? Perhaps. Do you see some flaws in my writing? Perhaps you can, see what they are, and find out how they can be improved. No matter the quality of a work, there is something to be gained.
However, today is not a day to be taken seriously.
As I have mentioned, I am in a Writing class at school, and that is where the bulk of my work in the past few months has gone towards. While I take a lot of what I do very seriously, yesterday was when everything changed. Now if you may excuse me, I hope some comedy will bring a smile to your day. My assignment was to make a paragraph from the point of view of a waitress and an unhappy customer on the topic of a burger. However, I decided to add a short story as well…
It’s do this, do that. Why is it that this Triple Decker Deluxe Hamburger brings me so much joy? I can just imagine my teeth puncturing that bacon like a toothpick, only to sink into that beef, hot off the grill and sizzling with the aroma of delicate Havarti cheese. Here it is, topped off with fresh and hand-picked lettuce and tomato, not to mention that soft yet crispy bun that just soaks in all these flavours. The smorgasbord of perfection is right in front of me, and here I am serving it. I could just pick off a piece of bacon instead of thinking about how ripe it must have looked on the burner. All these parts mushing together and complimented by these scrumptious fries. I almost feel as if I’m internally screaming at myself.
No, no, no, it’s all wrong! One of these patties is slightly out of proportion from the others, and that just won’t do! Why is the cheese WHITE? A proper hamburger from an eloquent dinner such as this should use house-made aged cheddar, as that just SMACKS pizazz! The aesthetics are also all wrong! Why is the bacon a slightly redder red than the beef, and why do the colour of the vegetables strike me more than the meats? The buns are also way too small; how am I supposed to enjoy my first bite when I get oozing meat on my hands? Also, the lighting in this room is all wrong. The 50’s vibe just takes away from this innovating hamburger, and the lighting doesn’t even give the glamour that a family-oriented venue needs! Forget the burger, this place needs a proper interior decorator!
“So, um, are you just going to stare at it or do you plan on eating it?” said the waitress as saliva foamed on the corner of her lips. The customer’s family gazed upon her in unfashionable horror, but he just stared at it with an indomitable look of disappointment.
“The meat should be cooked to a perfect medium-rare, not this gnarly medium-medium-rare! I expect perfection from a fast-food chain such as yours; how hard is it to make a gourmet meal for a family of six and a single father?”
“Bro, I’m just a waitress. If you actually have a problem, take it up with-”
“Don’t even get me started on the rug at this place? Do you people really call dark burgundy a velvet red? Sheesh!”
The waitress looked again at the burger, with its handcrafted Angus beef patties glistening in the last beams of the sunset. It was beautiful and better than all of mankind. It did not cry, moan, whine, or complain about the different between salmon and an aggressive pinkish-orange. It just stood there lovingly, destined to be eaten like an angsty teenager eats ice-cream. That was when she dug down on the burger, squeezing its soft exterior on her scarlet lips.
“Hey! That was my burger! If anyone thinks they can just take up a man’s lavish meal like you just did, I don’t know what that makes me!”
“It makes you kind of slow, dude.” The burger tasted of manufactured beef and microwaved bacon, but after a monotonous two-hour shift, everything tasted better. It was as if a surge of energy had hit a starving survivor of a plane crash, not knowing where they were headed. It was love at first bite.
“That reminds of the time my wife loved me! Until, of course, I took interior decorating as a hobby! Why be so 2016 when you can be so 2017?” The customer then took his hands to exquisitely retrieve the bugger from his assailant, which meant he was going to rip it out of her hands. Instead, he overshot his range, rather grabbing the waitress by the hands.
It was then that time slowed down. It was a haze of confusion as if twenty IED’s went off in a public restroom. It was a dirty feeling, as if two stars merged and danced into a supernova, with no concern for the surrounding planets. (Or in this case, for the family members who would not approve of such unconditional love.) Like the burger, it was cheesy to such an extreme that outreached the stars, not knowing whether the love would create a family, which in turn would cause the couple to purchase expensive appliances that polluted the environment, therefore killing off the sadly endangered black spider monkey.
“Um, this is 2017. You can’t touch me like that.”
“Oh, I just slipped. It happens all the time, that’s why I have six children!”
It was then that the waitress realized that love was overrated, as people simply sucked. Yeah, they sucked. As a random YouTube video once said, love only happened in movies. In real life, it was called stalking.
I hope you enjoyed this unexpected post, and I hope you enjoy my upcoming sentimental post set for next week!